Randomness Gone Horribly Wrong
by Firemare
Summary: A random little story written by someone on too little sleep. Includes references for many superheroes---see if you can name them all!


AN: If this offends you, do not read (well, you're not really going to know if this offends you or not, will you? If you're reading this, chances you aren't reading the story. Unless you've already read the story. Maybe you have. Maybe you're one of those people who go back and read Author's Notes after reading the story. Hey, I do that too sometimes. No worries. But, uh, this story contains sarcasm, sexual references, a bit of strange comedy, and um… a surprise ending. As well as anything else I feel like putting in, since for once I've actually written the Author's Note before writing the story. So… yeah. If any of those things offend you, you should probably stop right here. No, here. No wait---stop now.). I do not own any of the characters listed here, except maybe the main one. Shameless plug for my other stories at the end of this one. Er, thanks for reading.   
  
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The interviewer opened the door to Hearts Ect. Video Dating Service and gestured the newest applicant in. He watched her figure sway appreciatively. She possessed features that would be acceptable in any normal man's book, and while the interviewer was a little prejudiced when it came to that sort of thing, something irresistible drew him to the young woman who shook his hand firmly. "Now, Miss Smith," he said, consulting his chart. "You've already filled out the data, but I was just wondering if I could ask you a few questions about your former significant others."  
  
"Sure," she said. She sat down and crossed her legs trimly.  
  
"But first….. your location is listed as everywhere?"  
  
"I travel a lot," she said simply.  
  
"I see. And your occupation is….many?"  
  
"I have all sorts of different talents."  
  
"I'll bet," he said under his breath. "Now it seems you're looking for someone rather…. distinct, I see." He consulted the incredibly long list in front of him. "Would you care to elucidate on why you've decided you need all these particular traits in a potential mate?"  
  
"I'm fickle," she said, blushing a little while shrugging a shoulder. "I dated all the normal guys in high school, you know. Football players, basketball players, role-playing players….. but they just got boring after a while. In college I started to look for men that were more interesting." A slight smile crossed her face.  
  
"Could you describe some of these?" he asked. "From your list it seems you have both brain and brawn rather high on it." He poured himself a cup of water, and offered her some.   
  
She declined. "One of my earliest boyfriends had both in abundance," she said. "That ended because I wanted someone who could speak more than monosyllabic words when he got mad."  
  
"I'm afraid I don't quite follow. You wanted someone to argue with when he got mad? What kind of words did he use?" The interviewer took a sip of water.  
  
"Oh, you know," she said carelessly. " 'Hulk mad. Hulk bash.' "  
  
He spit out the water. "You dated the Hulk?"  
  
"Uh-huh," she said. "Met him during a science conference. He created a new door. I thought, well, why not? But talk about your green-eyed monster."  
  
"Right," he said. He mopped up the water hurriedly. "Could it be that he didn't have enough charm? I see that's on the list, too." Along with everything else a girl could want, he added silently. Thing was, this girl'll probably get it, too.   
  
"Well, you know, after I went through my strong-man phase, I tried to look for someone who was cultured, refined," she said thoughtfully. "I did end up with Bruce Wayne for a while."  
  
"What happened?"  
  
She made a rueful face. "He was too boring. Always getting called off to one meeting or another. But I did get a chance to make a new friend while he was busy." A reflective grin crossed her mouth. "Batman. Now there was a night-owl. Of course, I couldn't just keep two men in Gotham dangling, so I had to break it off with both of them. It just wasn't fair, to me or them. I decided I needed someone who could combine the two."  
  
"And you haven't found him yet," mused the interviewer, glancing down at the list. "Now, what exactly do you mean by 'attractive' here?"  
  
"I'm not a stickler for normal looks, if that's what you mean," she said. "Black, white, blue, green, scarred, whole, half-machine, I have room in my heart for all. There was that short stint with the Incredible Nightcrawler----you know, my wacky roommate once said that tails on the men I date always remind her of really long---"  
  
"Miss Smith!" He broke in before she became vulgar and cleared his throat. "I see that, ah, length is not on your list of particulars." Although everything else is, he thought.  
  
"Size doesn't matter," she said firmly. "I can't really compare it with Kurt, mostly because we never got that far---that was one relationship that was doomed from the start; he's in training to be a priest!---but take Superman, for instance. Really, his name should be 'Barely Adequate Man', but boy, does Krypton breed for stamina! Unlike Barry Allen," she added darkly. "Let's just say his nickname is appropriate."  
  
"I see. And age is not a factor?"  
  
"No," she said. A fleeting smile crossed her face. "My trip abroad in college landed me in France for a little while, and there I met the most charming man in the Opera House. It wasn't until I realized I had accidentally kept Hank McCoy's time-travel device from when we broke up, and this man was in all actuality centuries older than I was. Still, we had a grand old time."  
  
"So age… but youth?"  
  
Again the one-shoulder shrug. "There have been a few that are, perhaps, chronologically younger than I am. But age does not prove wisdom, nor experience. Peter Parker was a bit younger than I was, come to think of it." She tilted her head, thinking. "But he had this thing with kissing upside-down. He liked it. Me, not so much. The lips are all wrong, for one thing. And the tongue---"  
  
"Please," the interviewer said. His heart was beating rather fast with anticipation. "So what you're looking for is someone who combines all these attributes into one person? What you want, in a word, is everything?"  
  
She nodded, and twisted her hands in her lap. "I know it sounds kind of silly, but---"  
  
"What if they weren't all at the same time?"  
  
"What?" She looked up in confusion.  
  
"I can be whomever you want," the interviewer said, his skin beginning to change color. Blue started from the feet and crawled up the body, changing the rather normal interviewer into a statuesque scaled woman. She set the list aside and extended her hand. "Care to give everything a try, Miss Smith?"  
  
A slow smile spread across her face and made her eyes light up with interest. "Please," the younger woman said. "Call me by my first name."   
  
"Very well, Mary Sue."  
  
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AN: oooh, ooh, you like? I recently found out what a Mary Sue was, thanks to my reviewers of my OC X-Men fic "A Wreath of Laurel" (there, is that a shameless plug? I'll put my reviewer's names down, just so they feel special: Helena and Starfish helped with the Mary Sue definition, and some of my regular reviewers include Your Worshipfulness, Took-Baggins, ZOTRM, and Angel. Thanks everybody!) But I didn't feel that this story quite qualified to fit in my "Perfect Moment" series, the third of which will be coming out some time this week. Thanks again, and review if you like it!! (Really, if you don't like it, review only if you've got some healthy constructive criticism (like bad grammar or spelling) or something really witty and acidic, because simple "it stinks" don't cut it. But, uh, don't feel obligated to think up something really witty and acidic just so you can leave a bad review. Thanks all the same, though. Kudos for you for getting this far! You know, I admit that by now I probably would have skipped the Author's Notes altogether. Obviously someone likes to hear herself talk. Or type. Or whatever. Or maybe the fact that it's about three on a Sunday night in the middle of summer and I don't have to be up until.... geez, ten tomorrow. Or today, really, since it's Monday. I should probably shut up now. Yeah, I think I will. 


End file.
